This is an equally difficult and easy story to write. It is easy because it is a familiar story to many: weight gain, frustration, self-loathing , and despair on repeat for years. It is a difficult story to tell because weight, weight gain, and weight loss are deeply personal issues, especially for me. Because weight and appearance are so often (sadly) tied to self-worth and personal value for women, fluctuations are felt deeply.
I do not have a unique story. But it is a personal one and therefore I am hesitant to share something so intimate. However, I feel that since I am not unique in my struggles, perhaps some of the wisdom I have gained can inspire and motivate others who can relate to this story.
I was always fit as a teen, playing many sports throughout my high school years, but I began to lose my love for fitness in college as life got busy. Food became a comfort. The weight went on. Nursing school was my life for two years straight. The weight kept going on. I got married. The weight really went on. And one day, after nearly four years of marriage and eight years after graduating college, I looked in the mirror and no longer recognized myself. I no longer had the figure I was used to living in.
2015 
2016
I have always loved my traditional hourglass form, and loved to highlight my small waist in pretty dresses and skirts. Looking at myself then, I saw that my small waist was all but gone, and my face had rounded significantly. Some of my favorite clothes had definitely shrunk quite a bit in the dryer and no longer fit as they should. I found myself purchasing larger and larger sizes, but somehow telling myself that it was the clothing that was getting smaller, not me getting bigger.
2017 
2018 
2019
I have always told myself I would not stress about what the actual number on the scale was as long as I was healthy and my weight was not negatively contributing to my health. During this time, I told myself that my health was fine, even if the pounds were going on quickly and I always felt exhausted. Eating became more and more of a comfort, especially as stress at work increased, life was busy, and I felt like I was just doing some self-care by indulging in unhealthy food. I came to see self-pity as self-care.
At the beginning of 2020, who knew how much the world would change so quickly? I didn’t. Even working in a hospital, there was a sense of disbelief that the whole world could change so rapidly. At the beginning of the the wildest year of my life, I looked in the mirror and saw an overweight, unhappy, self-pitying, depressed woman who looked to food for comfort and found none. It is a viscous cycle that many men and women have been on for decades, and I found myself in the very middle of it. I did not feel attractive, I did not feel healthy, and I did not feel worthy. All I felt was shame and guilt over who I had let myself become.
Something had to change, but I did not have the willpower or the motivation within myself to make the changes I needed to. The path I was on was too easy to stay on, so I did. Even with COVID looming on the horizon, my health was not the priority it should have been.
All that changed over the course of one weekend, Memorial Weekend in May of 2020. I had a health concern that led me to seek out a cardiologist to confirm that nothing serious was wrong. Thankfully, no acute issue was identified, but the doctor had a very frank and honest conversation with me about my weight. He told me that I was on a path leading towards diabetes, heart disease, and a life full of chronic conditions if I didn’t start to change something. Some people do not respond well to this kind of direct feedback, but I do. I need feedback in my face and put bluntly. I don’t like to beat around the bush if I don’t have to, and this doctor said exactly what I needed him to say. My weight was now affecting my health, so something had to change.
That day I committed myself to a journey of health and transformation. It was time to stop making excuses and start doing the things I needed to. No more fast food runs, no more sugary cocktails, and most importantly, no more self-pity. That weekend, I took those dreaded “before” photos and promised myself I would never get to this place again. I had to radically change my relationship with food and with my body if I wanted to achieve my goals.
Those first few weeks of change were brutal. I started counting my calories, working out 4-5 days per week, and limiting myself even on the weekends. I tend to be an all or nothing person, so if I am going to do something, I go straight to the deep end. This meant cutting out all fast food, no soda/alcohol, and sticking to a strict 1500 cal/day plan. For someone who was used to eating closer to 2500 calories per day, this was a major adjustment.
June 2020 was right about the time gyms started to open back up post-COVID lockdown so I started hitting the gym every day after work, and sometimes before too. I have always loved working out and never dreaded it like many people do which made this easier for me. I found strength training and indoor cycling classes that challenged me and helped the scale start to shift in the opposite direction.
I also got an accountability partner in my brother. He has always valued health and fitness, so I reached out to him and let him know what my goals were and he helped keep me on track. I texted him almost daily about my workouts and my eating that day. He encouraged me and challenged me every step of the way.
To my surprise, the weight did start to come off. I always though losing weight would take ages and be so slow and difficult. It turns out when you have weight to lose, it comes off when you change things. This motivated me to keep hitting the gym and to pass on the tempting foods all around me. I began to see how my long term goals were more important than the short term pleasures of good food.
I was in no way perfect throughout this process. There were nights where I ate a bowl of cereal at 10pm and had afternoons where I just could not bring myself to eat the salad I packed for lunch and got the sandwich and chips instead. I’m a firm believer in the 80-20 rule of living. Eat what you know you should 80% of the time, and indulge 20% of the time so you don’t drive yourself crazy with cravings. Crash/fad diets never work in the long term, so don’t even torture yourself with them.
As the months went by, the weight continued to come off, slowly but surely. People started commenting about my weight loss at about 30 pounds lost which gave me a much needed boost to my morale. The holidays were a challenge to stay on track with all the goodies and parties, but when you’re mindset changes as mine was doing, you realize you can enjoy some of that food in moderation without having to go overboard and eat everything in sight.
The weight loss slowed gradually as I neared my first goal weight, but it continued to come off. I plateaued slightly in the early spring months of 2021 which is when I started intermittent fasting to change things up (I’ll do another post about my experiences with Intermittent Fasting). Since then, the weight has gradually come off again, at about one pound per week, which is healthy for weight loss.
I am just passed the one year mark of when this journey began. When I look in the mirror, I see myself again, minus 70 pounds and about 20 inches. I have my confidence and most importantly my joy back. I have found that love for fitness and health, not because I have to, but because it feels good to work out and eat well. I am not done with my journey though. I am about 65% of the way to my final goal weight, and have probably another year to lose the rest of the weight I’d like to lose. I know I can do it though, and am looking forward to the process rather than dreading it.
I wanted to offer a few beginning steps/words of advice for anyone who reads my story and sees themselves in it. First, be kind to yourself. Weight gain happens to nearly everyone at some point in their life so realize you are not alone. Also, be honest with yourself and what you need to change. Everyone knows how to lose weight. Just workout more and eat less, right? But in order to sustain your success, eating well and working out has to become something you enjoy, not something you dread. Find an exercise routine that you look forward to, whether that is zumba, cycling classes, or at home workout videos. Just make sure you enjoy it, otherwise you won’t want to do it.
Second, find an accountability partner. Whether it is someone else that wants to pursue health like you or a friend or family member who can be your cheerleader, find SOMEONE who knows your goals and can keep you honest about them. Accountability is so key to sustaining change because you know you are not in it alone.
Finally, don’t try to fad diet. Don’t suddenly try keto, paleo, or any of those other diets that are popular right now. Sometimes people can benefit from a “30 day reset” by going on keto or trying out Whole 30, but these diets are not typically sustainable (at first), and can lead to relapsing into old habits when you break “the rules” of the diet. Start with small changes in your diet. Swap all your sugary beverages to water, no snacks after 8pm, eat a salad with every lunch and dinner. Small changes like this will snowball into larger changes that help you see food in a different light.
If I’ve learned one thing about weight loss, it is that it is extremely personal and no one thing works for everyone. Each person has to find their own motivation and reason to keep going. I think for everyone though, the ultimate goal should be health. That way you don’t get hung up on a specific number or size you want to be which can be self-defeating.
I love the phrase “practice it until you become it.” It encompasses so much of my journey in one short idiom. I practiced being a fit person by going to the gym and acting like a fit person would until I started to become that person. I practiced eating healthy foods until my tastes changed and I no longer wanted the unhealthy foods I used to. I continue to practice being someone who values long term goals over short term desires. It is not easy in the slightest, but I have come this far, and I don’t plan to ever go back.
I will continue on my health journey until I reach my goals (I’d really like to be able to do one pull up!) and hope to inspire people along the way. If you have any questions about weight loss or health goals, please feel free to reach out. I am not a nutritionist or a health expert, but I do know what has worked for me and some of the things I would do differently (avoid processed “health foods” if you can!).
I hope my personal, but hardly unique story is helpful to anyone in the place I was a year ago. There is always time for change, and I look forward to seeing the change that is still to come.
1 Corinthians 6:19-20 “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.”
